Who Put The Bisto in The Fridge?

Recently, I went to visit my grandparents. I arrived in the middle of a discussion about getting old, which had started with an argument revolving around who had been responsible for putting the Bisto in the fridge. True to form, neither would admit guilt. However, both admitted having Bisto in the house.

I'll also admit to having Bisto in my cupboards - but only the traditional browning powder, because sometimes I'm too lazy to make a roux. Most of the time however, I do make a proper gravy, because it involves the same amount of effort as using Bisto. I never, ever use gravy granules. I had a recent incident where, during a moment of madness, I bought Oxo "Roast Onion" gravy granules. Made up with the packet instructions, what I ended up with was a dark brown (but quite glossy) solution that was as thick as wallpaper paste and tasted of nothing but salt. In the end, I decided to sacrifice the crispness of my toad in the hole and get some onions on, because I couldn't bring myself to pour that shit over real food.

So, following on from my roast chicken rant, here is how I fudge my way through making gravy. (But not baby gravy, because I lack testicles).

Required:

• One roasting pan including all the bits stuck to the bottom, and the fat that has dripped out of the meat (meat removed)
• Plain flour
• Wine (white for poultry, red for beef and lamb, cider for pork - yes, I know, but it's really just fizzy apple wine)
• Stock - beef for beef, chicken for chicken, lamb or beef for lamb, ham or chicken for pork. Fresh, cubes, those jelly pots, home made, shop bought, whatever you fancy/have to hand
• A little bit of whatever you've used to flavour your roast (i.e. lemon and thyme for chicken, horseradish and mustard for beef, sage and apple for pork, redcurrant and mint for lamb)

Makin' Gravy:

• Check out how much fat you have in your pan - if it's excessive, take some out, but for most roasts, you won't need to spend much time (if any), removing fat
• Put your tin over direct heat on the hob, and get it going
• Sprinkle over the plain flour. How much you will need will depend on how much fat is in your tin. When you start to whisk the flour in, you will see it combine with the fat to make a "roux", which is essentially just a floury paste used to thicken the gravy
• Cook the roux for a few minutes so your gravy doesn't taste like raw flour
• Once you've got a smooth paste, add your alcohol (around a glass)
• Keep whisking to combine it with the roux - it will thicken quite a bit
• Bubble this for a few minutes to evaporate the alcohol
• Add your stock and whisk in
• Bubble some more!
• The longer you bubble, the more your gravy will thicken - this is your preference. I like mine thick enough to coat the meat but not so thick I can't drink it off my plate once everything else is done!
• Now add your flavours for a few minutes, and strain

A few tips and things to watch out for:

• If you don't have any liquid left in your roasting pan, start by adding the alcohol and once that's gone in, use a wooden spoon to scrape off all the tasty bits off the bottom. Once you're happy that you've got it all, add the flour
• If you don't have enough fat in the pan, melt in some butter (although you should have, or you'll have very dry meat.)
• Don't get concerned if you have put too much flour in and have lumps - you're going to strain it, so why get stressed?

 If you're using Bisto, do the same, but omit the flour stage. Once your chosen alcohol has boiled off, mix the Bisto with cold water in a mug (don't know why a mug is essential, but it's what everyone uses to mix their Bisto) before adding to the pan. Same principle applies - bubble and stir until you get it as thick as you want.

But for Christ's sake, don't use gravy granules. Trust me, it's not worth it.